I get asked about the term "Daddy" a lot and I've been meaning to write about it for some time because I can't think of many words that illicit such a spectrum of responses, from breathless excitement to eyebrow-raising judgment - this is a word with some mustard on it. There are other controversial words of course (I see you and I love you, "cunt") - but I don't think any of them have quite the half life of Daddy.
I've had some great discussions with Girl on the Net about it - you can read her post about it here and listen to our discussion from the podcast here - and I totally get why she and others have an aversion. It's a controversial word used in an explosive way and because language is fascinating and kinks are complex, I have wanted to get off my lazy/busy arse and write about it here for some time, and just hadn't found the motivation.
Then, the unflushed toilet that is Andr*w T*te gurgled into my timeline and and I saw he was using it as a booster for his latest bid for attention and, fuck it, the time has come.
And look, I accept that T*te has done things far more sinister than try and ruin a kinky word I like. And I accept that in a 2025 that is starting to look increasingly dystopian, there are probably other things I should be doing with my limited time and energy, but for fuck sake, he's pissed in my sandpit and I'm really annoyed, so here we are.
Before we get into it, let's acknowledge that there many pieces out there that go to great pains to de-escalate the the more controversial aspects of the term, Daddy. Those are very valid and the 26 letters of the alphabet are free and public access and you should feel free to use them as you like.
This isn't one of those takes. I LIKE that it makes you uncomfortable. I like that it's dangerous.
Let's begin.
Masculinity
T*te and I are essentially trying to do the same thing when we reach for "Daddy": hit you with a shot of undiluted masculinity. That's not to say people of other genders can't be Daddys - they absolutely can - but it's one of the most gendered words we have so you reach for it only if you want to project or subvert the essence of masculinity.
But not just any masculinity.
Not just any man.
Daddy is gendered, yes, but it's also time locked. It's buried in your past, used in another context by another version of you and even then, only for one man. Only for one specific man. That man isn't someone you want in your kink life. He helps you with car insurance and has strong opinions on airport admin and no, he's not sexy now, nor has he ever been, and calling him Daddy makes it sound like you're young and dependant anyway, so you call him something appropriate and simple like Dad or Pa or something. You're grown up. You haven't used Daddy for years.
Masculinity, too, has changed since that word was part of your life. It used to mean someone male and strong and protective. Maybe they even a care giver. But men aren't really like that, are they? Now you can see them using their social and physical advantages to collect for themselves at your expense. Worse, masculinity now makes you feel unsafe.
T*te
The discourse on masculinity now is broken across two main fronts. On the first, it's rightly pointed out that there are systems and social norms which are designed by men, for men. Not only does this damage women and other genders, but it damages men too. It restricts their ability to express their masculinity in any other way than the version that fell out of a cereal box a hundred years ago.
The other front is lead by drips like Andrew T*te. For him, it's not enough to just be stronger, he needs you to feel weaker. For him, your compliance and your submission (in whatever form that takes across his various snake oil companies) is something to be bludgeoned from you by sheer force of will. You will be mocked and you will be goaded. If you're a woman, you're an expression only of lust. If you're man, you're just a mark and your money will be bullied from you.
This man uses "Daddy" only to infantilise and to belittle. He uses it in videos and he uses it for his tinpot currency and he thinks it makes him sound superior so he can humiliate others. When it comes to branding, he is experienced but his thinking is two-dimensional. He only understands the world in insults and contests. Of all the awful things he is, he's also a bad salesman because he doesn't understand what "Daddy" can do.
Daddy
Why "Daddy" then, when there are so many other terms you could use? "Master", and "King" and "Sir" will all have their own individual reasons. We arrive at these things in our own way and words build their own meaning as we encounter them and welcome them into our lives.
Sir is the boss. Master is dominant. Sure.
I mentioned earlier how I wasn't going to shy away from the problematic parts of this word. On the contrary, the intense reaction is something that can be harnessed. It's not baggage, it's rocket fuel. Yes, I know you used to call your Dad that. Yes, I know it makes you feel small and silly. I know that seeing me in a paternal way shouldn't also somehow feel sexy and the shock that it does, turns you on. I know that your cheeks will burn the first time you use it and I know you'd be mortified if anyone other than me heard you say it.
I know you're a woman with a harder job than me, a sharper brain than me, and I know how much worry and responsibility you carry. I know you're a grown up and have suffered in the way only grown ups can. I know that you like men, or at least, want to like men without having to look over your shoulder.
I can't solve any of it, nor is that my job. You'll do that. But I can use our energy, our dynamic, and this word to short circuit your brain. I can snap you into this state by making you call me something that makes you feel safe and cared for and free of concern and decision. A word that alters your perception so that your only goal is to please. Turning something wrong into something right, surely one of the founding principles of kink.
Master and Sir might have authority, but Daddy cares. He has responsibility.
Tate doesn't care. He is incapable of seeing people, so he can't assume any responsibility. He sees only a commodity. A resource. A product.
I see adventure and I see intimacy and I see trust.
And I see you.
